A Letter I Never Sent

There are things i’ve carried for years. thoughts that stayed at the back of my mind, waiting for the right moment. The right words. but the truth is, some words never come out the way we want them to. and maybe that’s why i never said this before. maybe i was too proud, too afraid, or maybe i convinced myself it didn’t matter anymore.

but it does. 

so here it is.

i don’t know where life has taken you. i don’t know what kind of person you’ve grown into or if you ever look back at the past the way i do. but if you do, and if you ever wondered if i regret anything, i do . and if you ever wondered if i was ever sorry, I am .

i’m sorry if you ever felt like i was toxic. i was not in a good place back then. i was just trying to survive in a world that felt like it was constantly working against me. my mental health was all over the place, this family situation was a mess, and i didn’t know how to be a good person to myself, let alone to anyone else. i know now that struggling isn’t an excuse to hurt others, but back then, i was just trying to keep myself from falling apart.

and if i ever made you feel like i didn’t care, i need you to know that wasn’t true. the truth is, i had trust issues, deep ones. i had been betrayed before by the people i called my best friends. so, i built walls. i kept my distance, even from the people who meant something to me. and i know now that i should’ve done things differently. maybe if i had, we wouldn’t have drifted apart. maybe if i had been more open, we would’ve understood each other better. but i can’t change the past. i can only acknowledge it and say that i’m sorry .

but despite everything, i’ll never forget one thing.

back in 2018, when my world was crumbling, when someone did what he did to me and everyone turned their backs on me, you were the only one who believed me. maybe not completely, maybe you had your doubts, and i don’t blame you, because the entire world was against me atm.

i was drowning in accusations, in disbelief, in a silence that suffocated me. no one listened. no one cared. except you. and even if, at the time, you weren’t sure what to think, the fact that you were even there… that meant something. and i never forgot that.

i also never forgot the things i did wrong.

like that time when i lied about going on vacation, pretending i was somewhere i wasn’t, tagging you in a picture that wasn’t even mine. i look back & cringe at how foolish it was. but back then, i wasn’t coming from a place of arrogance,I was coming from a place of longing. i didn’t grow up with an easy life. nothing ever came handed to me. if i wanted something, i had to work for it, fight for it. and for a long time, i was jealous, jealous of the kind of life i thought i’d never have. so i lied, not to impress, but because, for a moment, i wanted to feel like i belonged.

but i’m not that person anymore.

i’ve grown. i’ve learned. and most importantly, i’ve realized that no matter how bad a situation is, it doesn’t justify being bad to others, especially to someone like you, someone with a good heart.

i wish i had realized that sooner.

i wish i had handled things differently.

but life doesn’t give us rewinds, only lessons.

but today, i’ve finally reached a point where i can go wherever i want, do whatever i want. i’ve worked for it, i’ve earned it. but the one thing i don’t have anymore is my baba, and no matter how far i go, how much i achieve, there’s this emptiness that doesn’t go away. i feel lost sometimes, like a part of me is still searching for something that can never really be replaced.

and in the middle of all this,

I realize that I miss you. 

i don’t expect anything. i don’t even know if you’ll ever read this. but if life ever gives us a chance to talk again, to clear the air, to fix what was left unfinished, I’d take it. and if not, that’s okay too.

wherever you are, i just genuinely hope you’re happy. i hope life is treating you kindly. and i hope that, despite everything, you found peace. May Allah guide and protect you always. may He grant us both clarity, healing, and the strength to move forward with open hearts.

I love you, Natha.